Dating Tips Posts

Dear Kirk,

I am having trouble being on the internet too much. At first I got online because it made me feel less isolated, but now I feel like I’m online for hours. It’s actually become more isolating for me. I can spend hours not doing much, just going between websites and cruising for sex. I don’t think I’m a sex addict because I’m not even having that much sex. I do a lot of checking email, shopping, looking at a hand full of websites. Sometimes I don’t leave the house for days on end because I’m lost in cyberspace. What can I do?

— Lost in Cyberspace

There’s a great song by Le Tigre called “Get Off the Internet.” The lyrics go “It feels so 80s or early 90s / to be political / where are my friends?” A lot of those friends are trying to figure out how to integrate the new technology into our lives in a way that balances face to face interaction, exercise, sex in three dimensions and our creative practices. Everywhere you look, people are displaying obsessive compulsive behaviors — clicking on “Get Mail” hundreds of times in the space of an hour, looking at their phones, standing in the middle of Safeway scrolling around on their iPhones. We’re definitely in a period of transition.

I just read an interesting book called “Against the Machine,” by Lee Siegel. He talks about how the internet has been heralded as a totally democratic space where everyone has a voice, how it’s revolutionary....

Dear Kirk,

Years ago I suffered from a extremely severe hereditary case of acne (almost all my family members have suffered it). Fortunately and after many years I took control of this but still have terrible scars on part of my back and chest and ironically not on my face. In order to boost up my confidence I started to work out, now I'm athletic and in excellent shape but I've grown very conscious of these scars. I'm very clean and always groomed and have an excellent appearance till I have to take my shirt off and show my scars. What I usually do when I hook up is just turn off the lights but there are cases where this is impossible. And sometimes I have to give explanations of why I have these scars. I've been celibate the past few months because I feel embarrassed about this.

I'm sorry you had acne – it can really do a number on your self-image. I had it all over my back as a teenager and felt like a total leper.

There are plenty of guys who think scars are sexy. Acne is one of those experiences that many of us have endured, or at least we had friends in high school who went through it. So I'm sure lots of guys understand. When you have sex with guys with scars from burns or surgeries or self-inflicted wounds, it's difficult sometimes to know what to do. Do you risk making your partner self-conscious by asking him to tell you the story of that part of his body? Do you ignore it? I find myself intrigued, even turned on, by scars.

I've learned some interesting things from my female to male transgender friends...

Dear Kirk,

Last night I invited a guy over from the internet and was really attracted to him but couldn’t play with him because he smelled so bad – he reeked of cigarettes and body odor. Am I being uptight to expect someone to bathe before coming over?

You’re not necessarily uptight, you just have some preferences. When you’re meeting a guy, it’s safe to assume that he’ll have some preferences that are different from yours. What strikes you as a violation of basic hygiene might be the thing that makes him feel masculine and primal.

Smells are a matter of taste. There are guys who gag at the thought of a musky armpit. There are also guys who’d love nothing more than to stick their noses and tongues into a funky armpit. It’s like communion for them. There are guys who save up several days worth of stink. Maybe this guy thought you’d like it! Maybe he’s had positive responses from other men. The “no deodorant” policy has long been a staple of gay leatherman culture. There are guys who get turned on by a construction worker arriving at their house fresh from the job site, or a guy coming directly from the gym, bringing salty layers of dried sweat on his skin

As for smoking, there are guys who get really turned on by the smell of tobacco in a smoker’s beard, and there are guys who can’t kiss a smoker even after he’s brushed and rinsed.

Rather than make a checklist of  things everyone should do before meeting a...

Dear Kirk,

I’m an older, average-looking bear who’s attracted to young, beautiful muscle studs. I haven’t had sex in a long time, because there just aren’t any guys that turn me on that are into me. I wish my standards weren’t so high, but I just can’t bring myself to be more attracted to other types of men. I had a sweet, decent looking skinny young guy come onto me recently and I really wanted to try and pick him up, but I was afraid that it just wouldn’t work for me. How can I open up my attraction to younger men that are just average, like me?

Dear Average Joe,

You have the kind of cooties that a lot of people have. Not just gay men, either. Tons of people are fixated on unrealistic standards of beauty. You’re not alone in this. There’s no harm in being attracted to muscled young hunks, but if it’s to the exclusion of everyone else, you’re writing yourself a prescription for misery.

I think we are disturbing our capacity for sexual attraction by constantly immersing ourselves in porn that features only guys with the kinds of bodies that we find exhilarating. Whether our trip is hairy bodies, masculine guys, muscle guys, skinny twinks, blondes, Asian men, African American men, Latino men…it’s great to have things we like. It’s not so great to be confined by our narrow checklists.